Marcus Californicatus, Family head of the gens Californicati, master of the horsehit.
The world's hottest 50 something Roman general, Marcus Californicatus (aka "I am a parade") received the bad news in July about defeat of his subordinate, Jeffonius with his typical stoic demeanor.  The elephants were lost against Gaius Panicus and his army destroyed by archers (tightly based ones at that!).   Determined to gain revenge for this humiliation he raised a new army and began the long march into the heartland of the foe, the dreaded red provinces.

Californicatus’ army was raised in the East and included Parthians and Moopish horsemen, legions as tough as nails, and an Asian legion. Along the way Cretans and  barbarian archers and Bastarnae warriors joined the army as it marched onwards into Thrace across the Hellespont.



Gauis Panicus, a lowly new-man, master of the rotten dice.

Gaius Panicus sat on his laurels, ate olives and pedaled around the greens while the storm brewed in the east.  The senate asks, what is he doing? The priestess of Vespa was the only force that could motivate him...News broke that Californicatus was on the march with a vast horde, but Panicus dallied as if he was retired.  Only when the   Californicators approached the sacred Big Bone Lick, did mighty Panicus raise his banner and hurriedly re-called his veteran legions to march.


The Panicans marched to the sea to pick up stragglers who were hoping that the Hooters would re-open, mutinous troops saddened by the weak economy that could close such a fine culinary institution were whipped back into the ranks.  On the road German and Gallic cavalry joined the march as well as Balearic slingers, some Greek peltasts, and some Spanish foot.   The army regained order as they passed the monument to Touchdown Jesus.  Soon however an arduous march ensued over the treacherous Rhodopes mountains. The army struggled through Hell is Real pass, but were refreshed at the Adult Truck stop on the other side of the valley.  Panicus sent his cavalry forward to scout the approaches to Forum Mallorum.



On the other side, Californicatus’ advance was leisurely as the army stopped for entertainment at the Big Bone Lick, then pressed onward.  A rugged march through Eastern Thrace was rewarded when the army sated themselves on hickory ribs, a local delicacy.  Californicatus then marched and made camp around the famous Thracian Miamisburg mound, and sent out the Numidians and Moops to scout Forum Mallorum.  The army was in fine spirits after the ribs and having their bones licked……


The Moops made contact with Panicus’ Germans and rode circles around them… “Mooned them” and rode back to the mound to tell Californicatus that the enemy was in reach.  Californicatus threw down his last tasty rib and mustered his centurions, and  spoke words of encouragement to each man by name and stature of his family.


There are shrines
I should be sacking,
Ribs I should be cracking,
Eyes to gouge and booty to divide.

Miles Gloriosus


Panicus, still repelled by the Moopish mooning, spoke  to his troops to inspire them…the Greek historian Gnognutthin records the famous oratory:  “Soldiers of Rome, despite the fact that the Hooters has closed, we have much to fight for. We have touchdown Jesus, we have a real hell right here in our midst, as well as Adult stores at every truck stop.  Who care’s if we don’t have NBC! Who needs to see the Chargers crush the hateful New England Patriots for once, the only single time ever, who cares if we can’t see that because we have run afoul of the Cable cartel.  WE need to look forward, we don’t have Hooters, lovely round firm hooters, jiggly, perky, fleshy buxom cuties…. But I digress.... what could we have? We could have that giant round firm mound held by those wankers under the head wankerous wanking wanker- Californicatus. We could drive away the evil doers and take their Hickory ribs… we could push all the way to Big Bone Lick ourselves!!!”

At that the soldiers and centurions could no longer hold themselves back, huzzah for Panicus they yelled, “We want our own firm mounds!” they cried, “Take us to the Big Bone Lick” the Optios cried, the lictors grip on their fasces slipped as they envisioned the taste of savory Hickory ribs…..  with the army whipped into a frenzy Panicus retired to his tent to dream of savory victory.

The next morning both commanders led out their forces in order of battle.  A dense fog shrouded all things and the scouts could not make contact. The Parthians and Moops crossed over the River Flax on the right flank to post a decree of freedom for Forum Mallorum… as they did so, the fog lifted and the armies were in close contact.  Immediately the Moops crossed back over the river to delay the advance of Panicus.  The Parthians and Cretans skirmished with the enemy Spanish.


Panicus was informed that the Californicator host was approaching just as the fog parted to see Moopish horsemen harassing his legions with javelins. He set his forces in motion, his cavalry and Thracians were all on the right flank and faced by Bastarnae infantry and archers supported by an Asian light legion.  The hills would block his view so he advanced.  The center was all messed up by the Moops attacking with impunity.  He cursed their cowardly ways of feigning flight and evil BS4 javelinness.


Californicatus, on his side,  swiftly barked orders to his legions massed along the river. The lead cohorts would push through the woods and destroy the peltasts, while the Moops delayed the rest of Panicus’s army.  On the left Californicatus’ Bastarnae would charge the Thracians and drive off the cavalry wing.  In the center, the Bastarnae archers tore great swathes of bloody death and painful ouchy hurts to the lead Panican cohort.  On the right the Parthians and Cretans traded blows with the Spanish.  Panicus cried out across the field, “Damn you Californicatus for out-deploying me (yet-again)!”


The battle locked horns on the flanks while Panicus jumped out of the way as the Moops rode circles behind his lines.  The Californicator's Bastarnae drove all before them, first the Thracians, then the German horse.  The Panican Gauls led by their legate Uglius Muchus charged the Asian legion led by the Californicator legate Portentius “Honey-ribs” Hortentius. not only fought but we won too!


Immediately Portentius and Uglius grappled in hand to hand.  Back and forth the struggle went, blow after inept blow whiffed, both men screamed like little girls when scratched.. they struggled in this fashion while the Asian legion and Gallic horse also failed to come to blows.  The combatants were totally unimpressed with the epic struggle between Portentius and Uglius, in fact derisive laughter was all that could be managed.  Men who had just moments before had swiped at and missed each other with weapons of death dealing precision and gore, suddenly dropped their weapons as they were seized by laughing cramps.  Portentius pulling his toga up after Uglius had nearly tore it off, screamed to the Asian Legion, “Fight men for the glory of ribs!!”….. finally one of the Gallic cavalry burst a vessel in his forhead laughing so hard and his demise sent the rest scampering for safety.  Uglius fell on his sword in the rout… not on purpose mind you.. it was an accident.


While this struggle was going on the far left the right wing saw the Spaniards run and get slaughtered by the Parthains…. Such the actions on both the flanks went for the Californicator cause. 


Left..right...left...right...There's none of the enemy left..RIGHT!

Near the river the blue legions were ready to close to the main battle as the flanks closed in on the Panicans.  The right cohort had bludgeoned its way through the woods and was now threatening the flank of the enemy. The lines engaged and the bloody struggle surged back and forth.  The Panicans plowed ahead then the flank attack threw them back.  A Californicator cohort collapsed in red ruin, and Californicatus himself dismounted to hold the center of the line in a singular display of herosim. Bloody hand to hand combat enused, but twilight was falling and with it the fog returned.


Californicatus despaired that victory was slipping away as darkness enclosed the field. The Panican forces disengaged and for the most part slipped through the net formed by Moops Parthians, and Bastarnae.  Decisive defeat averted, they skulked back to their camp, with heads held low, there would be no pillaging of the Hickory BBQ for them, no Big Bone Lick on the other side of the Hellespont


Californicatus was seized by a chill and retired to his tent, which forced him to call off his pursuit.  Panicus retired back to Hell is Real.  The Californicators were pleased to garrison the mound, while Californicatus himself let the enemy retire as he recovered from red state bronchitis


For both commanders the  grim prospect remained that all in the Roman world would suffer as the dreary Civil War  continued unabated.




Questions and Answers:


Tim asks:

Ok...I have to know....where did you come up with your army list?????


Mike was experimenting with Roman ideas. We both had a mirror set of core legions, and a Leadership 10 general, plus two lictors, and then we picked random auxiliaries from cards. The Ld 10 generals were a mistake, between that and re-rolls it took bad luck for the Romans to ever break (of course I was the first to roll a 10, and then a 11 on the ABS reroll :) The combination of Ld 10, ABS, and lictors meant all units may as well have been immune to psychology. Mike's troops were mostly immune because he rolled snake-eyes twice on low leadership tests :)

We threw away the "lapping rules" and simply allowed a +1 CR victory bonus. This is too much as extra CR bonuses are never offset by WS. My thinking now is that the lapping would be better served by allowing the winner extra attacks- without moving models (lapping being an awful visual and physical problem for the game).


Gaius Panicus:

To add to Jeff's commentary:

The Romans were straight from the WAB EIR list: Each army got 6 cohorts of 16 legionaries each with centurions, you know, the drilled and stubborn dudes.  We used Ld 10 generals (which are too powerful as Jeff mentioned) and we used the "Lictor" rule from "Spartacus. Each side also had an Aquilifer (Eagle) and a Legate (sub-general). For Auxiliaries I made index cards of three 'types': (1) cavalry, (2) medium infantry or warbands, and (3) skirmishers. There
was six cards in each 'pack.' Jeff and I then drew 2 cards each from each type.

Jeff got a unit of Numidian/Moorish light cavalry and a unit of Parthian-like Steppe cavalry; a warband of German Foederati (sp?) and a unit of Thureophoroi/Imitation Greek legionaries; some Cretan archers and a unit of barbarian archers.

I got a unit of Gallic heavy cavalry, a unit of German heavy cavalry, a unit of Greek/Aetolian peltasts and a unit of Spanish Scutarii, and a unit of Balearic slingers and a unit of Spanish javelin men.

This presented some interesting flanking forces for our legionaries. Jeff, after whining about not getting any heavy cavalry, settled down and neutralized my cavalry with his Germans and Greek Auxilia and then rode rings around the remainder of my army with his Moorish cavalry. If it hadn't been for a couple of his cohorts breaking at the end of the game, I would have been crushed.
As it was I eked out a draw.

All in all ... The game turned out to be quite a blast.

Mike B


Marcus Californicatus and his all too lovely consort Marcia of the Illuminae announce the opening of a new Hooters in Thrace!  The new Hooters is a donative to all the soldiers that have served in the righteous cause of freedom!  The new Hooters is to built on top of the Mound, as a constant reminder of the victory at Forum Mallorum!

Click her for details:


Thanks to Mike Bruck and his battle basement for hosting this game and ongoing campaign!

(Moops: aka Moors as defined by George Castanza)

Jeff Jonas 10/23/08

Back Home

Bring me my Bride (From a Funny thing happened on the way to the Forum)

One, two! One, two!

We not only fought, but we won, too!

One, two! One, two!
Left, right! Left, right!

There's none of the enemy left, right?

Right! Left...right...right? Left?


Hail, Miles Gloriosus.
Welcome to Rome.
Your bride awaits you.

My bride...
My bride!
My bride!
I've come to claim my bride,
Come tenderly to crush her against my side.
Let haste be made!
I cannot be delayed:
There are lands to conquer, cities to loot and peoples to degrade.

Look at those arms!
Look at that chest!
Look at them!

Not to mention the rest.
Even I am impressed!
My bride!
My bride!
Come, bring to me my bride.
My lust for her no longer can be denied.
Convey the news!
I have no time to lose:
There are towns to plunder, temples to burn and women to abuse.

Look at that foot!
Look at that heel!
Mark the magnificent muscles of steel!

I am my ideal!
I, Miles Gloriosus,
I, slaughterer of thousands,
I, oppressor of the meek,
Subduer of the weak,
Degrader of the Greek,
Destroyer of the Turk,
Must hurry back to work.

I/he, Miles Gloriosus,

A man among men!

I/he, paragon of virtue,

With sword and with pen!

I, in war the most admired,
In wit the most inspired,
In love the most desired,
In dress the best displayed--
I am a parade!

Look at those eyes, cunning and keen,
Look at the size of those thighs, like a mighty machine!

Those are the mightiest thighs that I ever have theen!
I mean...

My bride!
My bride!
Inform my lucky bride:
The fabled arms of
Miles are open wide.
Make haste!
Make haste!
I have no time to waste:
There are shrines
I should be sacking,
Ribs I should be cracking,
Eyes to gouge and booty to divide.
Bring me my bride!