The Dragonfly Story

I just lost my wife to cancer... it is a desperate thing to go through.  I am, and will always be coming to grips with who I am now, half of who I was before.
However, it is not a unique event in life to see death, but it is so difficult with cancer to watch my lovely beauty wither like a rose in front of me for two years. It broke my heart and my will, it took my life and hers, and her passing so young is a real tragedy.
But my life goes on now, and day by day, I piece myself together, sometimes I come out a jumbled knot, and sometimes I come out all right. Sometimes I slip off the tracks entirely.
I am not an organized religious person, my beliefs are mostly private. I do not believe that religion and science are mutually exclusive. And I don't believe that the earth is 7600 years old either, it's millions of years old, and a day, like a life, can be a metaphor.
But what I do believe is that love is something that is real, and is something that science cannot duplicate in a lab, and therefore it is metaphysical, spiritual, angelic, whatever label one puts on it- it simply is.  Love is, as love is.

My wife and I had a true love affair, which I will not detail sharply here, but suffice to say, that we had that "magical mystery tour" which endured the often-bumpy roads of marriage.
Over time as the end drew near, she had to be removed from our comfortable house, and taken away from me to the Hospice Care Center as she slipped into a terminal delirium.  I knew that day was coming, but how come so soon?

After a rugged night of half-sleep in the Hospice center, I woke to be told by the doctors that she would not be leaving the Hospice Center, and that I needed to prepare.  Her wishes were to be buried in Tennessee, so I had to do a lot of phone calls that day.  By the afternoon I was exhausted and slept beside her as well as I could.
The next morning I was informed that all the arrangements were coming together, and between talking and holding my girl's hand, and moistening her lips with a sponge; I thought about that difficult trip to Tennessee, back to her roots.  Would I be able to do this?  How can I do this?

I thought about a million useless things that morning, flowers, plane tickets, suitcases, headstone plaques.  What would my sweetie like on there?  She loved so many things, the lions at the Wild Animal Park, Hummingbirds, Dragonflies, Butterflies, Lady Bugs.. what would be her wish?  Yes crazy thoughts of somebody who was under the most stress of his life!
As morning turned into afternoon my wife's vivacious friend Anne-marie came by to visit her and keep us company.  She decided that we needed to walk across the street to the Forum mall, and get a bite to eat. My head was still swimming from all my thoughts, but food was needed. So off we went, with Anne-marie in her high heels walking me into the dust.

It had rained overnight in Carlsbad, which was rare and welcome here in SoCal, so it was a beautiful clear day with poofy clouds that my dearest used to love.  As we walked and I huffed and puffed, I noticed out of that clear blue sky a bug coming towards us.  A big winged bug, heading straight towards us.  It was a very big beautiful green Dragonfly, and it stopped in front of me and hovered, and it's bright green eyes seemed to be transfixed on mine.  Given my mornin's thoughts, I was taken aback, and I told Anne-marie, "You are witnessing something"....
Well, I was tingling.. and I stepped aside and turned, but the Dragonfly came towards me again, I stepped back and it followed me.  I was getting dizzy.  I told Anne-marie that "You don't know what this means!"
And then the Dragonfly landed on my shirt, on my chest near my heart, and sat there looking at me. At that moment I was dumfounded, struck by lightning bolts, frozen in place, in total awe of the gift I had received.

When I could pull my faculties together I reached over and got the gossamer winged messenger to stand on my fingers.  I said "Thankyou, I think you have answered many questions for me today, and for my wife"... and the beautiful creature flew off into the sky and disappeared into the blue.

Of course since that moment my life has been completely changed. Before that encounter everything about the suffering and pain of my wife seemed so pointless, but afterwards I was able to channel the strength to see a purpose to it all.  I told my wife the story, and tears welled up even though she could not speak to me. By her bedside, I told her that I was sure that I had been touched by a messenger, an angel, a guide from the other side, sent by those who loved her, and me, to help us both on this terrible last journey through the valley of darkness, to the still waters on the other side. It allowed me to tell her that there is nothing to fear, she can go to that place where the Dragonflies will guide her, and I will know that she is there, and she is comfortable, at peace, and in grace...

Telling this story to my freinds that gathered at her side in the hospice center, gave me the strength to see her to the end, when life flowed out of her.  I take it to heart that I was the last vision in her eyes, and was right there to see her off on her final journey. 

Now I tell this story whenever anybody wants to hear it, it has touched many folks so much that I finally with great difficulty wrote it down... I post it here because I want others to share the story.  To gain something from this message, in one's own way, faith, or spiritual path.  To pass forward this small message of joy, that came out my life's tragedy and loss.  I lost my dearest but I received a gift, that is larger than me.  It is a story that ropes me back to my center when I veer off into the pits of despair, or I get too wild and crazy.

It's a true story that affirms that love is indeed transcendent, and flies with the spirits and angels, and we are all capable of being touched by it.  I hope anybody that reads this will smile whenever they see a Dragonfly, and say thankyou.


11/15/2007 a month ago today….

"The Dragonfly is the essence of the winds of change, the messenger of wisdom and enlightenment, and the communications from the elemental world."

My Dragonfly tattoo in honor of this story

11:37 PM - 11/15/2007